Easter Ho!
by Hastur
Summary: Justin and Alex, having already saved Christmas and Halloween, move on to save Easter. A Jalex, third in a series, but a little stranger...
1. I also do this to eggs

**A.N.: A Holiday Special for Easter? Can it be done? Well, so far my Holiday Specials have been at least somewhat religious in nature, and there's no Holiday more Christian than Easter. If this seems particularly sacrilegious, don't worry, it is.**

**Copyright Disclaimer: No ownership of Wizards of Waverly Place is implied through the writing of this parody. Wizards of Waverly Place is (C) Disney Corporation, 2000-something thru 2011. **

**Content Disclaimer: Rated M for a reason. Contains references to incest and suicide, as well as blasphemy, sacrilege, and foul language. Likely to include references to alcohol, drug use, and human sexuality. This work is not guaranteed to be free from references to interspecies sexuality.**

* * *

Justin and Alex were painting Easter Eggs together in the lair one day, some unspecified time before Easter.

"Huh, what's that symbol on your egg, Justin?" Alex asked.

"Ah, it's the symbol for the Nuclear Emergency Search Team," he explained.

"Why the fuck would you do that?"

"So I could have a NEST egg," Justin said, grinning. Alex groaned.

Suddenly, there was a puff of smoke. Justin and Alex turned to it, not feeling particularly surprised.

"I just got the strangest fucking sense of deja vu," the familiar voice of their angel "friend" Harold said as he appeared from the smoke while lighting up a cigarette. "I mean like, as though something just happened that had already happened almost exactly the same way."

"Weird, I have no idea what that could mean," Alex said. She picked up an egg and examined it.

"Aw, this one is broken," she said, showing it to Justin.

"Huh - I don't remember writing 'Fourth Wall' on an egg," he said.

"That's creepy - wait!" Alex cried. Suddenly, all three of them looked in a direction almost perpendicular to how they were arranged.

"Oh good, false alarm," Alex said, content that nothing was there.

"Anyway, what can we do for you, Harold?" Justin asked.

"Ah, well, I come bearing both good and bad news," he explained. "The good news is -"

"Wait - can I have the bad news first?" Alex asked. "I like to get it out of the way."

"Um, OK. The bad news is that God, you know, the Big Guy, wants you two to stop dating."

"What!" Alex cried, jumping up and throwing her hands in the air, knocking over some egg-painting supplies while doing so.

"Careful," Harold admonished. "You'll kill the eggs. Oh wait, you can't kill them - they're already dyed."

Alex glared at him. Justin stood up.

"Er, I don't think she's in the mood for humor right now, Harold," Justin explained. "But I mean, you did say He was considering granting us leniency if we performed that job last Halloween."

"Yeah, I know. That's the good news. He's going to forgive you if you repent and don't do it again."

"Ouch, sheesh," Justin said, looking dejected. "I'm no theologian, but we shouldn't have to perform a service to get _that_ much. I thought that was just, you know, part of the whole deal."

"Oh, no, yeah, you're right about that," Harold said. "I guess my wording misled you. Your service had nothing to do with it. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's appreciated, but ultimately it's your eventual repentance that would save you. God doesn't normally cut deals or make exceptions, remember."

"But you said that that service might persuade Him to do so!" Alex cried.

"Ah, yeah, sorry," Harold said, beginning to look a bit apologetic and even nervous. "That was misleading again. That job didn't come from God Himself, but slightly lower-down. He had nothing to do with it, but an angel thought it might be helpful."

"So all this time we've been carrying on like we were OK, spiritually speaking!" Justin said. "Well I have - I don't think Alex ever cared. And it turned out to all have been a misunderstanding. Now we're in huge trouble we couldn't have prevented!"

"Well it's not that big of a deal," Harold said, hoping to console them. "Because God is very forgiving! He'll forgive everything if you stop now."

"Hmm," Alex said, beginning to grin devilishly. "Then we can just carry on and stop _eventually_, and we'll be OK. The important thing is that you stop, as far as I understand theology."

"Ah, no, sorry," Harold said. "That won't work, because you have to actually mean it when you change. You can't plan to stop later, like that."

"That's not fair! I can't just stop being in love with Justin! Why the hell is it like this?"

"I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't fucking know, I'm just a fucking herald."

"Well, who would know, then?" Alex insisted.

Harold shrugged. "I dunno. We could talk to my superior? He probably doesn't know either, but he might be able to find out."

"What, God?" Alex asked.

"Ultimately, yeah," Harold said. "But you know that there's a hierarchy of angels."

"Oh. Actually I don't think I did," Alex said.

"Forgive her," Justin said. "She knows not what she does."

"Ha," Harold replied. "All right - you wanna see him now?"

"What, God?" Alex repeated.

"No, no, my superior."

"Oh, all right."

"Mkay." Harold snapped his fingers and all three of them disappeared in a puff of smoke, only to reappear in a rather familiar location.

"Hey, this is Central Park," Justin pointed out.

"We could have just taken a cab," Alex reminded them.

"Ick, no. What if we got some cabbie who didn't speak English?" Harold said.

"Well I suppose we could - wait a minute! You're an Angel!" Justin cried.

"Yeah yeah, that was the joke. I'm fucking hilarious, ha ha and all that."

Harold looked around a bit, then started walking. He motioned Alex and Justin to follow, and they obliged.

The park was rather quiet. There weren't too awfully many people there. There was, of course, the general collection of oddballs feeding ducks and the sort. Harold ignored everyone and continued walking on.

Alex was beginning to get fed up. "So when do we meet this superior of yours, Harold?" she demanded.

"Right now," a voice said. Alex looked up to see a slightly haggard thirty-ish-looking man speaking. "Hey Harry, can I bum a cig?"

* * *

**A.N.: Who is Harold's superior, and why is he just as informal? Are all angels like this? Keep reading to find out!**

**P.S.: I also apologize - I realize that this may delay further chapters of Adventures, but I am also working on that alongside this one.**


	2. Starstruck

**A.N.: This story in no way reflects the author's actual views on angels, especially the specific, real angels mentioned by name. In real life I harbor nothing but the utmost respect for them. (You may not believe in angels, but to be on the safe side, you know, I figure I would clarify this.)**

**This story also does not reflect my belief or disbelief in reincarnation. The answer to that is long and best left to private inquiry if you are interested.**

**I also throw in another joke about Catholics here. Damn, I bet Bieber isn't this offensive.**

* * *

"Yeah, sure thing Mike," Harold said, digging into his robe and pulling out a box of cigarettes. The other person - well, angel, apparently - took one out and lit it with a snap of his fingers.

"Who are they?" Mike asked, nodding toward Justin and Alex.

Before Harold could respond, however, Justin cried out.

"Wait, your superior is the Archangel Michael?"

"Yep," Harold said.

"That's me," Michael agreed.

"But - he's awesome! He's like, _the_ Archangel! He's gotta be way powerful and awesome!"

"Ha, you're funny, kid," Mike said after a long drag. "Archangels are way low rung. Almost as low as Harold, here."

Harold nodded. "It's true. I'm pretty low. I mean, there are even guys under Mike with more superiority, but I'm pretty much just a lackey."

"But I thought Archangels got all the important, cool jobs. Aren't you the angel who will one day defeat Lucifer?" Justin asked. Alex rolled her eyes. She didn't care much for angelology.

"Meh, I guess. Lucifer was an Archangel too, you know, so it's kinda fitting."

"But then, what makes you so low on the hierarchy?"

"Ah, well, see, Archangels are the highest level that actually intervenes in mortal affairs, but that basically means we're still field agents. I guess an analogy that might suffice is to think of me like a Sargent."

"But that's not even an officer!"

"Yeah, exactly," Mike said, giving a big nod to show that Justin was getting it. "We're still pretty much among the enlisted men. It's why Harry's being so informal with me," he explained.

"Is it like that for all Archangels?" Justin asked.

"Oh, hell no. Gabriel demands huge respect and formality from his subordinates. And even if you're around him - if you don't act formal enough for him he'll whine to higher-ups. He's got a bit of an ego. I guess it's from the whole Annunciation thing. 'I'm Gabriel, I told one of the most important figures of Christianity that she was going to give birth to the most important figure of Christianity!' Well, I guess vice-versa if you're Catholic, but still."

"Well to be fair, Mike," Harold interjected. "Gabe thinks you're kinda narcissistic too. He's all like, 'Michael is an pretty cool guy, eh fights demons and doesn't afraid of anything.'"

"Eh, yeah, I guess I do sometimes get a bit carried away with trying to be bad-ass, admittedly."

"Well that's the thing," Harold said, blowing a puff of smoke out. "At least you admit it."

"OK OK, not that all this isn't fascinating - which it isn't to me, by the way - but we do have business here," Alex said.

"Ah, right," Harold said. "These Wizard kids are dating, God wants 'em to stop, they think that's not fair," he summed up.

"Eh? Why would God want them to stop dating?" Mike asked.

"They're siblings."

"Ah, that'd do it. Also, gross."

"Ick, tell me about it. But they claim to be deeply, madly in love and I haven't seen any evidence to the contrary."

"Hmm, did you consider them for enrollment in the Next Lives program?" Mike said after thinking for a moment.

"Ah, no. Damn! I wish I'd thought of it."

"It's all right, it rarely comes up anyway."

"Er, what's the Next Lives program?" Justin asked.

"Basically it's like this - if you two stop dating and generally live a life free from sin, and are repentant and all, we can set it up so that instead of going to Heaven when you die, you'll both be reincarnated as people who _can _be together."

"But I didn't think there was such a thing as reincarnation," Justin said.

"Eh, not usually. Just in special circumstances," Mike explained.

"How could we guarantee we'd get together, though?" Alex asked quietly. Justin looked at her in confusion and alarm. Her tone of voice sounded wrong. It wasn't like Alex normally spoke, but it was like how he'd seen her a few times before.

"Destiny would lead you together, and then if your love is as real as you say it is, it would do the rest."

"But wouldn't we be entirely different people?" Alex asked. Justin continued to watch her. He was sure of it now - tears were welling up in her eyes. She rarely cried, although of the few times she did it was often over Justin.

"Your circumstances, knowledge, experiences and situations would change, certainly, and while it is true that this plays a part in who you are, the important thing is that your souls would remain the same."

Alex merely nodded, ever so slightly. She was in no mood to argue, and tears began to flow freely. Justin approached her and wrapped his arms around her. He had never seen her like this. Usually when she cried, she managed to speak, albeit in a sobbing voice, and communicate why she was crying. For now she couldn't speak, she couldn't do anything but cry and cling to Justin.

"Isn't there anything we could do?" Justin said, pleading.

"You know, if you had the right point of view, you'd think that the Next Lives program was more than fair," Mike said. "Sure you don't want to learn more about it?"

"I dunno, Mike," Harold said. "This almost looks like a failure of the Westermark Effect."

"I've heard of that!" Justin said. "That's the thing that makes siblings not usually fall in love, right?"

"Yeah. Apparently it didn't work here, or your love is stronger, or something. I mean, God made it specifically so that this kind of thing wouldn't happen. And it's not likely God made something incorrectly," Harold said.

"Huh, I thought it evolved," Justin said.

"Hah, please," Mike said. "You wanna see what the world would look like with just evolution?" He dug into his robe and pulled out what looked like a small, black crystal ball. "Look into that," he said, tossing it to Justin.

Justin peered at it for a while. "I don't see anything," he said, frowning.

"Exactly," Mike said. "Anyway, the thing is - we can't assume that the Westermark Effect failed, just that there's something we don't know about God's plans."

"But aren't you guys angels?" Justin asked.

"Really low-grade angels, remember," Mike said. "And not even the highest ones know the full extent of God's plan. That would require literal omniscience. And probably omnipatience, too."

"Omnipotence?" Justin asked, not quite sure he heard right.

"No no, omnipatience. 'All-patient.'"

"Oh. So, uh, what do we do now?"

"Well... take your sister home. We'll check into a few things," Mike said. He and Harold blinked away, disappearing. Justin took out his wand, waved it, and did the same thing to Alex and himself.

* * *

**A.N.: Poor Alex! You may be wondering, when did this story take a turn for the dramatic? Why can't you get back to the puns? And what's it all got to do with Easter? Well, for the answers to those - and more! - you'll have to keep reading.**


	3. I am bad at titles

**A.N.: Holy God, this one is turning out to be more like a religious essay than a Jalex story, isn't it? And I do mean Holy God.**

**I hope, but can't promise, that there will be some puns in this chapter for you.**

* * *

**;**"So let me get this straight," Harper said, in the lair of the Russos, where Alex was curled up in the chair, crying, while Justin paced back and forth. "You can break up now, and have another life together, later?" (Oh, did I forget to mention that Harper knew about their relationship after a while? Consider it retconned.)

"Yeah, that's about the size of it," Justin said.

"That doesn't sound so bad," Harper said.

"I don't know how long I can be without Justin," Alex sobbed. It was the first time she'd said anything in a while, so Justin and Harper turned to her. "At first I couldn't have him because I never thought he'd feel the same way, but even when he did, we were still related. We sneaked around for a while, but then the greatest of all authorities forbade it. It's just so unfair."

"I dunno Alex, you never cared for authority, nor did you ever seem terribly religious," Harper pointed out.

"I know - but then we met actual, real-life angels. And I know they're real angels. Justin used that summoning spell last Halloween, remember? And it summoned Harold. Justin knows his angel-summoning inside and out. Not to mention, when we reversed the polarity and were anti-summoned."

Alex closed her eyes and shuddered.

"Do you know what it's like to be that close to the presence of God, Harper?" Alex whispered. She stood up, throwing off the blanket in which she had been wrapped. "Maybe you do - I don't know everything about your form of worship. But in case you don't..."

Alex walked to the middle of the room. "It's fucking terrifying!" Alex cried. "Beautiful, yes, true. But at the same time - have you ever heard of the phrase 'fear of God'? It's not meaningless! If anything, it's an understatement. And, as Justin told me, we weren't even that close to God when we were on that plane!"

Justin nodded. "It's true. That was a plane where even angels as low as Harold can withstand His presence. Ordinary humans - even us Wizards - are not meant to come that close. I can only imagine how it affected those poor goths."

Alex sighed. "That kind of thing changes you."

"I'm sorry, Alex," Harper said softly. "I have to say, I didn't see much of a change. You must have hidden it well."

Alex shrugged. "Well, the whole anti-authority thing actually became _easier_ in a sense. Who gives a fuck about earthly authority figures when _God Himself_ is present?"

"Well, didn't Jesus say you should cooperate with government? 'Give unto Caesar what is Caesar's,' you know?"

"To a certain extent," Justin said. "His point there was that some matters were just silly to worry about. Like the passage you referenced was about taxes. His Disciples were asking if Christians should pay taxes to the government. Jesus' response was, I feel, actually quite humorous. He picked up a coin and said, essentially 'Whose face is on that? Is it God's? Huh? Is it? No! It's Caesar's, so give it to _Caesar_.' Obviously, God doesn't actually care about money. There are worldly things where it is better for all involved parties to just get along. So as long as the government isn't hindering what God is telling you to do, it creates a more peaceful atmosphere just to obey."

"Huh, I didn't know you knew so much about the Bible, Justin," Harper said.

"Eh, when you're Catholic, you pick it up."

"Sometimes," Alex said, smirking slightly. "Anyway, Justin, I just had a thought! What if we accepted the Next Lives deal, and then... you know... something happened to us...that caused us to go to our next lives immediately?"

"Alex! Suicide is a mortal sin. I'm fairly certain that it would void the terms of the program."

"Yeah, but it wouldn't necessarily be suicide..."

"If you planned it, it would. Stop even thinking along those lines," Justin pleaded. Alex cast her eyes downward. Justin came up to her and wrapped his arms around her again.

"Whatever happens," he said. "I will always love you."

"Neither Life nor Death, Heaven nor Hell, Angels nor Demons?" Alex said, smirking once more.

"Nothing shall come between my love for you, no," Justin said. "And also, impressive."

"I guess I have been picking up _some_ Biblical knowledge," Alex admitted. She laid her head against Justin's strong chest.

"Aw, that's sweet," Harper said. "Blasphemous, but sweet."

Just then, Harold and Michael popped in with their customary smoke and...well popping sound.

"What the hell just happened?" Harper cried. She saw something happen, but didn't see the angels appear. Harold and Michael looked at her curiously.

"Oh, right. Harold, Michael, this girl is a Sleepwalker. You'll have to turn down your frequency," Justin said.

"Ah, all right," Mike said. There was a faint change in their appearance, and suddenly Harper jumped.

"Where'd you guys - Oh! You must be angels," she said, calming down.

"I'm Michael, the Archangel, and this is Harold," Mike explained. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of his robe, opened it, gave one to Harold, and then lit up his own. "We also stopped by a gas station on the way back. Anyway, we're here to help Justin and Alex with a sensitive problem."

"She knows the full extent," Justin said.

"Ah. Well then yeah, we're trying to find a way for them to be together."

"Why are you helping us so much?" Alex asked.

Mike and Harold looked at each other and gave a shrug.

"I know our sarcastic attitudes, informal demeanor and foul language might make it seem otherwise," Harold began. "But we _are_ the good guys. We really do feel sorry for your predicament."

"So I talked to Gabe for you," Mike said. "Er, the Archangel Gabriel," he explained, chiefly for Harper's sake.

"Wait, I thought you didn't like each other," Justin said.

"I wouldn't go that far," Mike replied. "I mean yeah, we have our differences of opinion, but when it comes down to it, we're on the same side. The ability for the good guys to work together is one of the most major strengths we have against evil - well, that and you know, God Almighty being on our side."

"So, what did Gabriel say?" Justin asked eagerly.

Harold gave a dry chuckle. "Let's just say...there's good news, and bad news."

Alex groaned.

* * *

**A.N.: What a cliffhanger! What's the bad news this time? Can the good news make up for it? Will Justin and Alex be allowed to be together? Will I finally, actually get to some puns? Will you be able to find out before I, the author, am struck down by lightning? Not even I know all the answers to these questions!**

**I would also like to note here that I took the term Sleepwalker from the pen and paper roleplaying game Mage: The Awakening by White Wolf games. It denotes a mortal who is aware of magic. They have not yet Awakened (become Mages) but they are not quite "asleep" either. Of course, in the WoWP setting people can't become Wizards (as far as we're aware) but I do think it's a useful term.**


	4. Pun pun pun, you know what it is

**A.N.: Well I haven't been struck down by lightning _yet._ I only hope that means that God has a sense of humor. I have always liked to think so - after all, we are created in His image and we have a sense of humor.**

**Plus, the platypus.**

**Anyway. I finally start to get into the real _meat_ of how this story relates to Easter at all. I sincerely hope you have borne with me through the thicket of drama, because now you shall reap the sweet reward of puns! **

* * *

"But this time, I'm going to let Mike deliver the news in whatever order he thinks is best," Harold said, stepping aside and motioning to Mike.

"Well, the good news is that he is willing to help you guys out. The bad news is that he won't until I take care of the thing I was supposed to take care of anyway. So I guess that's mostly my fault."

"Huh, what thing?" Justin asked.

"I have to fight, defeat, and re-imprison the Ether Bunny for another year."

"What? The Easter Bunny?" Harper cried.

"No no, the _Ether_ Bunny," Mike said, emphasizing 'Ether' so that she would, hopefully, get it.

"I'm kinda lost - I think I need some context."

"Oh, right, no problem. In fact, never having heard of the Ether Bunny probably means I'm doing my job well," Mike said. He began to pace around the room a bit. "All right, so where should I begin?"

"In the days of yore?" Harold suggested.

"Hmm, yeah. All right, so before Christianity even existed, and back when Judaism was just a small cult, everyone else was pagan. Everyone non-Jewish, you know," Mike explained. "They worshiped animals and rocks and plants and junk, right?"

"Well not all of them - some had false gods," Harold interjected.

"Yeah yeah, I said 'and junk.' I mean basically, non-Jews worshiped things they could see. Some thought that the sun and moon were gods, some thought the stars and planets were. I'm speaking of before things like Zoroaster, mind you."

"Ah right, I see," Harold said. "You were back farther than I thought."

"Right, anyway. So they thought that the coming of spring was an important and sacred time. Don't get me wrong, many Christians today find it a good reminder of how good God's work is, how the whole cycle of nature works in harmony to sustain us. But back in the day, the pagans would use it as a time to make bloody sacrifices to their heathen gods."

"But didn't Jews offer sacrifice?" Justin asked.

"Well yeah, but to Yahweh. Not pagan gods," Mike said.

"What's all this got to do with the Ether Bunny?" Alex asked.

"I'm getting there, hold your horses," Mike said. "One entity worshiped by many cults was this being that lived on the Astral Plane and appeared to people as a giant rabbit. Hence, the Ether Bunny. Eventually, as the Church spread, the pagans began to adapt their rituals to a more Christian theme, which is part of why we celebrate Easter when we do - Jesus' story of death and rebirth is about His death for man's sins, but it also reminds us of the death and rebirth that the world seems to undergo each year from the changes of the seasons. Now, they tried to change the Ether Bunny to something more innocuous - the Easter Bunny -"

"But English wasn't even -" Justin began to say, but Mike cut him off with a wave of his hand.

"Completely coincidental that they sound so similar in English. As I was saying, they tried to change the Ether Bunny to the Easter Bunny, but that proved to be a really bad idea. See, the entity took strength from belief in it, so when people began to follow Christ instead, he grew less and less powerful, eventually growing dormant. But then, when he was reintroduced as the Easter Bunny, he suddenly gained a massive amount of power. Moreover, he was extremely angry that he was no longer being worshiped, and as such, grew violent."

"So God sent Mike here down to kick his ass," Harold picked up. "And bind it in an etheric prison. But every year near Easter, the secularism surrounding the Easter Bunny gives it enough power to break free of his bonds, and Mike needs to kick his ass again."

"So yeah, I still have to do that this year," Mike finished.

"Is there anything we can do to help?" Justin asked.

"Ugh, this isn't another Holy Mission from God that doesn't do anything for us, is it?" Alex asked, collapsing back into the chair.

"No, this time we know what we're getting out of it. We know that this wouldn't directly help us, but it might save Michael some time and allow him to get to helping us sooner," Justin explained.

"Meh, I think you're still upset that you didn't get to fight a demon last Halloween," Alex chided.

"Well maybe I am," Justin said, sticking out his lower lip.

"Yeah, I suppose you guys could help," Mike said.

"Wouldn't it be terribly dangerous for a regular mortal like me?" Harper asked. She looked alarmed that she might even be considered for this mission.

"Oh, I didn't think you were volunteering," Mike said. "But your selfless offer of help is appreciated, despite it being dangerous, as you surmised."

"I wasn't -" Harper began, but then thought better of it. "All right, just tell me what to do," she sighed.

"That's the spirit," Harold said. "One might even say the holy spirit."

"Speaking of God," Justin said. "Couldn't He bind the Ether Bunny permanently? He _is_ omnipotent, after all, and then Michael wouldn't have to fight it every year."

"Well, think about it like this," Harold said, closing his eyes and taking a big drag of his cigarette. Meanwhile, Michael took Alex and Harper to the side to prepare them. "What's the one thing God never fucks with?"

"Er... lacking both gender and a material body I-"

"No no, not literal fucking. I meant the colloquialism meaning 'mess with, mess up', etc."

"Oh, huh. The only thing I can think of is free will."

"Yeah, exactly," Harold said, pointing his cigarette at Justin. "If God were to bind the Ether Bunny into place permanently - or hell, destroy it - then it would deny both the people of earth their choice of worship _as well_ as deny the Ether Bunny himself his own free will. It is still a sentient being, after all."

"Confusing. If that is so, why send Michael to defeat it at all?"

Harold shrugged. "That I couldn't tell you. My personal theory is that since people think their stories of the Easter Bunny are harmless, they're not making an actual choice there - but where it goes from there, I don't know."

"Does it ever get frustrating to not know the will of God?" Justin asked.

Harold smirked. "Does it?"

"Yeah, that's what I asked," Justin said. Harold sighed.

"My point was," the angel said. "You don't know the will of God either."

"Yeah, but I'm a human. A wizard, granted, but still just a human. You're an angel, don't you kind of need to?"

Harold shrugged again. "Not really. Angels and humans aren't that different, in some respects. We both worship the same God. We both serve that God. And most importantly, we both must have faith in that God, that He knows what's going on and won't fuck anything up in the long run."

"But I thought that as a human, were I to achieve the kingdom of God, I would be in His presence for Eternity."

"Yeah, that's true," Harold agreed, nodding.

"I know that in my current form, I could barely stand to be on the plane of angels, so I don't know how I could stand to be in God's presence for Eternity. And, if there is some sort of transformation I go through first, it seems unfair to you lower-grade angels. Can you ever achieve the kingdom of God? Is there some sort of advancement through the hierarchy?"

"Sort of. The thing is that we are free-willed beings too. We were given a choice. Mike and I kinda like keeping our heads down and keeping out of trouble. But eventually even we will have the chance to be forever in the presence of God."

"That's good to know," Justin said. "I always found the position of angels kind of confusing."

"Well don't worry, God takes care of His own."

Michael was just about wrapping up with Alex and Harper, so he came over to Justin and Harold after this.

"OK guys, you ready to head out?"

"Yeah, probably," Harold said.

"Where are we going, anyway?" Justin asked.

"Well, first we're going to stop by my office," Michael explained.

"Makes sense," Justin said. Alex and Harper were slightly confused about why Justin would think an angel having an office makes sense, but they weren't _too_ confused, since it is Justin.

"So, the quick route!" Michael said. "Everyone hold hands."

They all did so, Justin and Alex naturally opting to stand next to one another in the ring. They grinned at each other as though they were the only two people in the world, and everyone else tried to ignore it, uncomfortably.


	5. Lord Michael is not in right now

**A.N.: So I realized that originally, in the first story of this series ("Have Yourself a Merry Little Incest"), Harold was originally going to be a rather minor character. But he came into more prominence in the second ("Pumpkin Up the Party") and now, he and his angelic boss are key characters. Weird, eh?**

* * *

There was a flash of light, and the five found themselves standing at the base of a tall and steep mountain.

Alex looked at it. "Ugh," she groaned. "Couldn't we have popped out at the top?"

Justin turned away from the mountain so that he could face Alex. "Alex," he chided. "You should know that mountains are symbolic of a spiritual journey, which is why we obviously have to climb the mountain. If we -" suddenly, a faint "dinging" sound as though a bell ringing caused Justin to turn around. Behind him, set into the side of the mountain, there appeared to be an elevator that Mike had called.

"Come on in," he said, holding the door open for everyone. Justin looked vaguely disappointed, but Alex merely looked smug.

They boarded the elevator, and Mike pushed the button for the top.

"It's still a bit of a trip, at least for an elevator," Mike said.

"I'm curious about something," Harper said, finally working up the courage to speak to an Archangel. "Archangel Michael, is Harold your subordinate because you and he have similar attitudes or is it the other way around?"

"Haha," Mike chuckled. "It's definitely the former. He wasn't always under me, even. He used to be a member of Raphael's group. Raphael is a great angel, of course, and I love him, but, ah, his disposition didn't mesh quite well with Harold's. Raphael is a bit... I dunno how to say 'prudish' without sounding rude, but I guess it's kind of like that. I mean, it's not that he's a prude per se, but..."

"He was distinctly uncomfortable around me," Harold admitted. "He tried to be polite about it, but my vulgarity and lax attitude sort of made him nervous. It was funny, though, he's too polite to mention anything."

"Yeah," Mike continued. "That's why to get Harry transfered, I said to Raphael, 'Hey, I'd hate to take away as good a guy as Harold, but he's got skills that I really need in my department. Would you mind if we applied for a transfer for him?' Raphael said he'd try to manage the best he could without Harold."

"He seemed pretty relieved though, haha," Harold said. "I feel kind of bad about it. I mean, I tried to restrain myself."

"Anyway, this worked out the best for all involved parties," Mike said. "So really no big deal."

Around then, the elevator dinged again, signaling that they had arrived at their destination. To the surprise of the three humans aboard, the elevator opened into what looked like the lobby of a modern office building. There was even a reception desk with a woman sitting behind it.

"Hello Jeanette," Mike said to this woman as he exited the elevator and approached the desk. "How is it going?"

"Well, thank you, Michael," she said. "There is an emissary from Gabriel waiting for you in the meeting room."

"Ah crap," Mike said. "Has he been here long?"

"No, he arrived just a few minutes before you did."

"Oh good. I'd hate to keep him waiting. See," he said, turning to the humans in their party. "He would never complain about it to me, since that would be out of line given that this emissary is - likely - an inferior to me, technically speaking. But he might tell Gabriel who would complain even higher up."

"Makes sense," Justin said.

"Did he say what it was about?" Mike asked Jeanette.

"The Ether Bunny," she replied.

"Ah good. These four are helping me with that matter, so I'll let them in on this. Thanks, Jeanette."

"A pleasure, Michael," she said as the five began walking down the hall, largely following Mike.

Mike and Harold stopped in front of a door with a little plaque on it that read "Meeting Room".

"OK, before we go in, we should brief you guys. Um... just don't talk, that should be good," Mike said. He thought for a moment. "Yeah, OK, that should be good."

He opened it without further ceremony and stepped through. It was a smallish room with a round conference table in it. Someone - presumably the angelic emissary from Gabriel - was seated at one end, but he rose when Mike entered the room.

"Lord Michael," the angel said, bowing. "It is my honor to represent Lord Gabriel."

"It is an honor to receive a distinguished guest," Michael said, returning the bow. Justin noted that his bow was not as deep as the emissary's, signifying his higher rank. Neither Harper nor Alex noticed or cared.

"These are my esteemed visitors," Mike said, motioning to the humans. "And of course, you know my colleague Harold." Harold gave a bow that was about as deep as the emissary's. The angels all then sat down, and after a brief moment of confusion, so did the humans.

"Lord Gabriel has sent me to warn you that he has just discovered that there may be a diabolic or demonic plot to prevent the binding of the Ether Bunny this year."

"Does he have any intelligence on the faction involved?" Mike asked.

"Not much. We only know of one agent in it, and he might be working alone."

"It would be nice if he were independent."

"Indeed, especially because he's a category five demon."

"Huh, a cat-five demon wouldn't normally be working alone," Mike said, rubbing his chin. Justin only now noticed that there was a bit of stubble on it.

"That is why we suspect that it may be part of a larger plot."

"Is it possible that he may have been manipulated by a more powerful devil?"

"That is something that we have considered. Unfortunately, our information is currently incomplete. I do have some information on whom we think the demon is, though," the emissary said. He slid a file folder over to Mike, who picked it up and began to leaf through it.

"You will naturally want to get to this right away," the emissary said.

"Oh, yes," Mike said. "You are dismissed."

The emissary bowed again and left the room.

"All right, let's get to my office," Mike said to Harold once the emissary had left. They both stood up and began to walk further down the hall, Harper, Alex and Justin following them.

They came to a door at the end of the hall. This one had a plaque that read "The Office of Lord Michael" in some fancy font. As Michael began to open it, Justin wondered what the office of an Archangel would look like. He felt a delirious sense of excitement to be what was probably one of few humans to see this. Unfortunately, he was sorely disappointed. Once Michael opened it, it looked like a rather normal office, and not even a particularly nice one. In fact, it almost looked like a sitcom cliché. It was small, cramped, and messy. There were a desk and two visitor chairs, but all were littered with papers and other small objects. There was a filing cabinet in a corner behind the desk, but it was stuffed and overflowing.

"Ah, have you seen my suitcase?" Mike asked Harold. Harold dug around under the desk.

"Got it," he said.

"Awesome, thanks," Mike said. Harold pulled the suitcase out.

"I can take it," he offered.

"Thanks again," Mike said.

"So what is our plan of attack?" Harold asked. Mike looked around at the gathered people, the office looking even smaller when crowded with people.

"Thoughts from the audience?" Mike said with a slightly ironic tone, addressing Harper, Alex, and Justin. "I know this is probably a lot for you to take in."

"Well, I would say we should research the demon a bit," Justin said after a brief pause. "But it seems more important that we find the Ether Bunny as quickly as possible. After all, wouldn't it be true that if the demon was trying to do anything, we'd find it by finding the Ether Bunny?"

"Ah, excellent, you're going for the direct route. A man after my own heart," Mike said.

Justin beamed to have won the approval of an Archangel, but Alex slapped him for being lame.


	6. But do they serve nuts?

**A.N.: Lord Michael, the Archangel, has stubble solely for the reason of looking gruff. Angels don't grow hair, per se, they just look how they want to look.**

* * *

"All right, we should get to the Astral Plane as quickly as possible," Mike said. "You three could probably have Alex and Justin cast a spell to get you all there. At least, that would be the quickest option. We need a place for your bodies, of course."

"Bodies?" Harper said, nervously.

"When you Astral Project, only your consciousness travels, leaving your body asleep. Just like normal sleeping, except perhaps a bit deeper. It's just as safe as sleeping," Justin said. He was lying slightly, and hoped that the angels wouldn't mind. It was slightly more dangerous than sleeping.

"How about the meeting room?" Harold said. "It's really the only place we have for them."

"Yeah, the chairs there aren't too bad, I guess. They have to be a little bit comfortable, or they'll be really stiff when they return."

Harry and Mike lead the three humans to the meeting room, and had them sit in the chairs. They all tried to get as comfortable as possible.

"You three go first," Mike said. "We'll be right there."

"Harper's not used to interplanar travel," Justin said. "We'll have to guide her." Alex nodded.

Harper still looked nervous, but tried to relax anyway as Alex and Justin cast the spell. Before she even realized they had begun, everything went blank for a moment, and then exploded into a new sort of sensation. She couldn't exactly see anything, but she couldn't quite not see. It was something she had never experienced before. She also couldn't feel anything, but she had knowledge of what she should be feeling, which was a strange sensation. It was made stranger by the fact that it "felt" like she was floating in a viscous liquid, a bit thicker than water. Despite all this, she felt a sense of peace and calm wash over her. She floated around, exploring this new sensation. Small flashes of images began to appear, and she tried to float toward them, exploring what they could be.

"_Harper,"_ the voice of Justin came to her, sounding muffled and distant. _"You have to focus now. Follow my voice."_

"I don't wanna," she said. "I'm having fun!"

_"Harper," _Justin said more sternly. _"This is _very_ important._"

"Fine," Harper sighed. She began floating toward the direction she thought Justin's voice was coming from. Eventually she saw an image flash blob that looked kind of like him, so she continued toward it.

_"You're almost there," _Justin said. _"Focus on me, now. Try to remember what I look like, and hold onto that._"

As she did as she was told, the blob-like image of Justin began to take shape. Everything around her seemed to start to become even more coherent, and focused, and other familiar images appeared and coalesced around Justin - those of Alex, Mike and Harry. She began to focus on them, too, and found herself feeling less like she was floating, and more like she was walking normally through air.

"Excellent," Justin said. He no longer sounded distant or muffled, but rather like he was right there, much the way she saw him.

"This is weird," Harper said. Alex and Justin shrugged.

"You get used to it," Justin said. "So, what now, Michael?"

"We have to check the Etheric Prison," Mike said. "Do you still have the suitcase, Harry?"

"Yep," Harold replied, lifting it up. Justin furrowed his brow.

"How do you have a suitcase on the Astral Plane, exactly?"

"Well, they do allow a carry-on," Harold said, grinning. Alex rolled her eyes again.

Mike began to head off in a direction that, to the humans, seemed entirely random.

"I am beginning to feel something strange," Mike said. "There's another presence nearby."

"The Ether Bunny himself?" Harold asked.

"No, I don't think so. I know we're close to the Etheric Prison, but-"

"Wait, we're already close?" Harper interjected. "How'd that happen?"

"Distances on the Astral Plane are kind of screwy," Harold explained. "They're more or less meaningless and arbitrary."

"Anyway, I don't think it's the Ether Bunny. In fact, I don't sense him at all. He may have already escaped. Perhaps that demon already got here?"

Another unfocused, misshapen image began to appear before them. It quickly formed into a being that the humans present immediately associated with demons. Although man-sized, he had red skin, sharp impish features, and no hair. He wore a loin-cloth, carried a trident, and had a spear-like tail. The sensation of heat seemed to radiate off his body.

"You're right about that!" it cried, cackling.

"God, you demons are not subtle in your symbolism at all, are you?" Mike said, rolling his eyes.

Justin rushed to Mike's side, ready to do whatever was necessary.

"Bah, whatever. I'm not going to let you re-imprison the Ether Bunny!"

"You're throwing your psychic weight into keeping the prison open, aren't you?" Mike said. The demon paused and narrowed his eyes.

"Oh, look who's smart. There is one way that I'll remove my lock, though."

Justin heard a clicking from behind him. He thought Harold was opening the suitcase, but he had no idea why he'd be doing that.

"Oh really? What's that?" Mike said. He sounded patronizing and disinterested. There was more clicking behind Justin, and he didn't know what Harold would be doing now.

"If you show me a truly selfless, altruistic action performed by one of these humans you have with me, I will admit that perhaps, only perhaps, I am wrong about them, and I will, in this one case, let you go about your business, unhindered!"

Harold came up to Mike's other side and handed him something, but Justin couldn't make out what it was.

"Yeah, no, that's a bullshit demand," Mike said. He raised his hand, and Justin saw what Harold had handed him - a gun. Justin was no firearms expert, but he had played video games before, so it looked like a Glock, although this knowledge didn't really alleviate the shock and alarm. He had no idea what was going on, but before he could protest, Mike had already pulled the trigger. There was an explosion, and suddenly the demon was no longer standing there.

There was a small pause of silence.

"What the fuck just happened?" Alex asked.

"The demon's point, or at least what he claims it was, is to try to get us to think that humans aren't even worth protecting, to get us to rebel with him. But in actuality, he's just a bastard. You cannot perform an altruistic action on demand, and not to mention, by definition you can't perform an entirely selfless act in exchange for anything, even, in this case, his continued non-interference in this matter. Hence why it's a bullshit demand," Mike explained.

"Why a gun?" Justin asked. "Isn't Astral weaponry more metaphorical than real?"

"Yes, it is," Mike agreed. "So why _not_ a gun?"

Meanwhile, Harold had found what looked like a heavy, strong door, except it was unlocked and unbarred.

"Yeah, he did get the Ether Bunny out, though. Who knows where it is now?"

"Well, if anyone could track it down, it'd be the Jackal," Mike said after thinking for a bit.

"Who's the Jackal?" Harper asked.

"Ah, you'll get to meet him soon," Mike said, grinning.

* * *

**A.N.: Yes, it's kind of metafiction that Mike says that at the very end of the chapter.**


	7. Fanservice averted

**A.N.: I have decided that your lack of reviews can mean only that this story has stunned you all into silence. Indeed, what can be said of its artistry, its form, its depth? There is clearly nothing that can be added, and attempting to would seem hollow, so you stand there, breathless at its majesty.**

**The lack of views, on the other hand, I have decided means the site is glitched.  
**

* * *

"Contrary to popular belief," Harold was explaining to Justin, Alex and Harper as the small group astrally traveled to meet Jackal. "There was a third option besides 'rebel from God' and 'serve Him.' Well, technically not, since not serving is rebelling, but there was an option besides 'actively oppose God.' There are some angels who took a middle road, not yet ready to devote themselves to God, but not wanting to oppose Him, either."

"But I thought that angels were created to be 'perfect' in the sense that, unlike humans, they could simply choose to sin or not. How could they 'not be ready?'" Justin, the only one present who really cared much about theology, asked.

"They chose to be. I know, that seems like a contradiction. It kind of is, but I am afraid even your theology is...incomplete. To pre-empt your next question, that is also part of God's plan. It is OK that you don't know certain things, because you are not meant to yet."

"So wait, am I not supposed to know this?"

"Eh, it's probably fine for you to know. You are more spiritually advanced than most people. Many Wizards are."

"Really? But a lot of Wizards are terrible people. They're bigoted, proud, greedy, selfish, petty, quick to anger and quick to violence."

"Yeah - see, that comes with the territory of power. They are people whose souls have progressed to a certain level where they need to learn what it is like to possess such power. It's - ah crap," Harold said, stopping for a moment.

"Huh, what's wrong?" Justin asked.

"Nothing too terribly much, just that I revealed more than I maybe should have. Again, probably fine. But when Mike and I said reincarnation doesn't normally happen, we kind of misled you. I mean, we didn't lie, but more accurately we should have said reincarnation doesn't happen in the normal way."

"Wait...what?"

"It's got to do with stages of spiritual progression and multiple planes of existence. Planes you may not have ever heard of. Planes even Wizards rarely reach. Well, in the form you know them, I mean, that is, they don't reach them through magic from what you know as the 'material' plane."

"I take it this is one of those things I won't fully understand at this level of development?"

"Yeah. Sorry about that. I know it sounds lame, like it's a cop out, but I can't really do any more. I mean, I literally can't explain it in a way that would let you understand."

"It's OK, I'll take your word for it."

"All right. Oh, hey, looks like we're here anyway."

Indeed, out of the void and nothingness Justin saw what looked like a cabin materialize. Mike knocked on the door, and Justin swore he heard a dog barking on the other side. Perhaps he had the name Jackal for a reason.

"Down girl," a voice said as the door opened. Suddenly a husky burst out of the cabin and ran up to Mike. She (apparently) looked up at Mike expectantly.

"Nice to see you again, Samantha," Mike said, petting the dog affectionately. Meanwhile, someone came out of the cabin behind the dog.

"Mike! No wonder Sam was excited," said the other entity. He resembled a human, and looked to Justin like something of an outdoorsman. "To what do I owe this pleasure?"

"Business, I'm afraid," Mike said. He stepped aside and swept his arm around to show everyone whom he had brought. Samantha went up to Harold, expecting more attention from him.

"You know Harry, of course," Mike continued. "And these three are humans. These two," he pointed to Alex and Justin. "Are wizards. The other girl is just a mortal."

"Soldiers of God on a mission?" Jackal asked.

"Not quite. More like...mercenaries." Mike explained. Jackal grinned.

"Ah, spiritual kin of mine, then," he said.

Mike turned to the three humans. "Jackal here frequently finds himself helping out us angels. Probably only a matter of time before he joins up officially."

"I'll get around to it some century," Jackal said.

"Anyway, we need your help again."

"What's going on?"

"The Ether Bunny is missing. Some low-rung demon let him out."

"Huh, that's a tricky one. You didn't find any sign of it in the Etheric Prison?"

"Nothing but a faint trace, clearly gone for a while."

"Tell me a bit more about the Ether Bunny. Could we trick it or trap it?"

Justin looked excited. "Oh oh oh!" he said. "What if we lured it to us? We could like, dress Alex up as a rabbit! She could have little bunny ears and a tail and a furry bikini top and -"

"Justin, I think _everyone_ is getting tired of me dressing up in slutty costumes," Alex responded.

"Maybe not _everyone_," Justin muttered.

"Wouldn't work, unfortunately," Mike said. "The Ether Bunny is neither swayed by sex, nor is actually a rabbit."

Justin thought for a moment. "Wouldn't the sexualization of the Easter Bunny attract him, though? I mean, what could draw people away from God better than sex? What encourages people to do anything better than sex, for that matter? Surely he would want that, and then would want to use that somehow."

"It is a terrible idea and you should stop trying to justify it," Alex said.

"No no, I don't actually just want to dress you up in a slutty costume, I really think-"

"Tell you what, I'll dress up however you like when we're alone," she said, smiling and planting a small kiss on his cheek. Despite the fact that they were on the astral plane, and couldn't feel things normally, Justin still felt a tingle of elation and joy. Everyone else felt awkward.

"I am still pretty sure it wouldn't work," Mike said. "While the Ether Bunny might appreciate such a thing, he wouldn't actually have to come to us to take advantage of it. I think, in fact, that is an inherent problem with trying to trap him in general."

"So we'll have to go to him," Jackal said. "Not a big problem. Let's head off to the Etheric Prison - that's probably the best place to start."

With that, Mike motioned for everyone to follow him again, and they went off.

* * *

**A.N.: Well, happy Easter! I am sorry this isn't done on time, but I will be finishing this one up after Easter. Don't worry, it's close to the close. (Parse as adjective, noun.)**


	8. TechnoBabel

When they were at the Etheric Prison, Jackal set his backpack down. He began to root through it, and then pulled out a small object. It looked like some sort of electrical device to Justin, which was further supported when Jackal pushed a button on it, and a tiny antenna extended out from it.

He looked at it a bit, then sucked his lower lip. "Hmm, looks like we have some interference. Not terribly surprising, in fact, finding the source of it might help us track down the Ether Bunny. Can someone re-calibrate the Astral Grounding Rods and someone modulate the frequency while I check some measurements?"

"Oh great, not more technobabble," Alex said, rolling her eyes. Mike handed her and Harper some long thin cylinders she hadn't seen him acquire.

"Just stick these in the ground and try to get them equidistant from one another," Mike said. "Well, you know for whatever definition of 'ground' and 'distance' you have in the Astral Plane."

"Justin, do you have a magi-multimeter?" Jackal asked.

"Oh yeah, it's one of my wand functions," he said, pulling out his wand. He tapped it a bit.

"All right, could you measure the resistance between here and here?" Jackal said. He had opened the box, and he pointed to two test points.

Justin did as he was told. "Looks like it reads 150 gnohms," he replied.

"Sounds normal," Jackal said. "How about the potential?"

"Fifteen ghoults," Justin rattled off.

"So that's point one milli-imps. Still seems all right."

"What the fuck are you talking about?" Alex asked.

"Electromagical measurements," Justin explained.

"Yes, but do they _mean_ anything?"

"Why didn't you pay attention to dad's metaphysics lectures?"

"A better question - why did _you_?"

"It's coming in handy now," Justin said smugly.

"Dammit, you're right."

"You two are modulating the frequency, then?" Jackal directed to Mike and Harold. They nodded. Jackal went back to looking at the readings with Justin.

"There," Jackal would say to Justin, while Justin would measure the points. After a bit of this, Jackal called out to Mike and Harold.

"Hey Mike, Harold, come over here," he said. They came over and took a look at the readings as well.

"Does that signature look familiar?" Jackal asked. Mike and Harold nodded.

"Yeah," Mike said. "Looks like the Ether Bunny all right. Good job."

"Well done everyone," Jackal said.

"Um, what'd we just do?" Alex asked. Harper also looked confused.

"We detected his psychic signature in this psychic interference," Jackal explained. It was still lost on Alex.

"Basically we should be able to track him down," Justin explained.

Alex nodded. "All right, good enough."

"This way," Jackal said, shrugging his pack back on and setting out in a once-again seemingly random direction.

They traveled through the featureless void for what felt like a surprisingly long amount of time to Justin and Alex. Once in a while they would stop and repeat the measurements they took earlier, and Jackal would adjust his path by some arcane reasoning that the humans, both mortal and Wizard, couldn't understand.

Then, through some equally esoteric knowledge, Jackal suddenly stopped.

"Worse than I thought," he said, rubbing his bearded chin. "I think he's manifested on the material realm."

"That's not really a huge problem," Mike said. "I mean, not unless his psychic potential is over, say, nine kiloghoults. And even that's not a problem unless his resistance is lower than about 66.9 millignohms."

"Can't tell, really," Jackal said. "Not without getting closer."

Justin drew his wand, and Alex decided that it would be a good idea to do the same. Mike checked his gun. Harper just looked nervous.

"All right, let's go," Jackal said. "On three. One. Two." On two, Justin and Alex began preparing the spell to shunt them back to the material plane, while the three celestials began to tune down their frequency.

"Three!" Jackal cried. Alex and Justin let loose their spells, letting it envelop Harper as well.

There was a blindingly bright white light. When Harper could see again, she was in the middle of Times Square.

"Well, that was interesting," Harper began to say. Unfortunately she couldn't get much more out, due to the giant, slightly anthropomorphic and yet incredibly feral looking bunny rabbit that was currently marching through the city.

"So, what's its psychic potential?" Mike said wryly. Jackal looked at his device.

"Looks like it's about... 8K."

Mike closed his eyes. "Please, for the love of God, and I do mean that literally - is his resistance..." he paused and did some calculations. "Under 52.89 millignohms?"

Jackal looked at the device, then looked hopelessly back at Mike.

"It is exactly 52 millignohms."

"Fuck! Fucking shit hell damn fuck shit motherfucker," Mike cried. Such an outburst of expletives from him had never been seen before by any of the gathered company. They all looked at one another. This could mean one thing, and one thing only.

They were royally screwed.

* * *

**A.N.: There are a handful of you who got the the first joke about the psychic potential. I know you're there, don't hide. I hope you chuckled. However, there are a select few, even out of that handful, who realized that there was another, even more obscure joke hidden in there. Most likely, they are contained within the set of those who got the first joke, but only because I can't imagine anyone in the set of all people who would get the second joke but not the first would also be in the set of Jalex fans.**

**My hint, if you want to get the second joke - do the math on a relation that relates resistance and potential. Second hint - it's not current.**


	9. Who got romance in my action comedy?

Mike raised his gun and squeezed the trigger. A loud explosion echoed throughout the square, and the Ether Bunny turned to look down at what happened. Mortals began to flee in terror as the Ether Bunny ran through the city.

"You can hurt it with that thing?" Justin cried.

"Probably not," Mike admitted. "But I wanted to get his attention."

"Looks like it worked," Alex said, although she sounded none too pleased.

"The reading may be off up to two millignohms," Jackal said, trying to comfort Mike as they all began to run down the street, away from the Ether Bunny and following Mike.

"Yeah, but that's a bit close. Even 54 millignohms means that if the potential is pretty much any higher than you read, he's still at the danger threshold."

"So how do we defeat him?" Justin asked.

"If we could lower his potential or massively increase his resistance, I should be able to defeat him in singular combat."

"How do we do that?" Harper asked, alarmed.

"That's the part I haven't quite figured out yet, admittedly," Mike said.

"What if we drastically _reduced_ his resistance?" Justin said, continuing to run. He took a corner sharply as Mike suddenly changed direction. "Or increased his potential? He'd collapse under his own power."

"Great Scott!" Mike cried. "I think the boy's got it!"

"Not that I don't think that's a great idea, but how do we do that?" Alex asked. Just then, the group ran into a dead end in an alleyway that most of them hadn't even seen. Justin and Alex quickly cast the phasing spell on themselves and Harper, and the three celestials and three humans all went through it.

"To increase his potential, we'd have to get people to think about him," Mike said. "Reducing his resistance would require causing him to vibrate at his resonant frequency."

"I have no idea what that last part means, so let's get people to think about him. It can't be hard, since he's rampaging through town."

"Ahh, the problem is, however, that they don't equate this beast with the Easter Bunny. _That_ is what we need people to think about."

"That seems dumb," Alex said.

"I don't make the rules," Mike replied.

"Well I have an idea!" Alex cried. "I'll just need a paintbrush and a large enough canvas."

Alex took her wand out of her boot as she changed headings.

_"Penis!" _she called loudly as she held her wand aloft. It turned into a paintbrush.

"Wait, the spell for turning your wand into a magic paintbrush is _penis?_" Justin asked, confused.

Alex shrugged. "I think it's Latin."

"Yeah," Mike said. "_Penis _is a Latin word with a few different meanings. Originally it was 'tail', but it came to mean paintbrush and also, the male genitalia. Of course, so did _gladius." _

"This probably isn't the time for a linguistic history lesson," Jackal called. "We are running from a giant rabbit monster, need I remind you."

Alex raced through the streets, and even the celestials had trouble keeping up with her sudden changes in direction. She stopped underneath a huge billboard with an advertisement for diamonds on it.

"That's a great idea!" Justin cried.

"I know, I did think of it," Alex said, smugly.

She began to climb up to the billboard.

"We're going to have to split up," Alex said calmly down below to Justin as she climbed.

"What?" Justin cried, panicked. "I thought the whole reason we were doing this was so that God would let us be together."

"Not break up, dumbass. Go in different directions."

Justin frowned. Alex leaned over backwards, holding onto the pole with her legs, and gave Justin a little upside-down kiss.

"I love you," she whispered. Justin smiled and nodded. He knew what he had to do now.

"We have to distract the Ether Bunny while Alex works her magic, pun intended," he declared. He began to run off in a different direction - this time toward the Ether Bunny.

"I know I've known about them dating for a while," Harper said. "But it's kinda uncomfortable to watch them kiss. I guess some of it might have to do with how big a crush I had on Justin, but you know, there's the whole incest thing, too."

"Holy shit," Harold said. "I forgot you were here."

"Yeah, I'm kind of a non-entity. I'm so far out of my element."

Harper and the three celestials wasted no further time chatting and followed Justin on his fool's errand.

* * *

**A.N.: Man, this is way late to be considered an Easter-themed story still. But on the bright side, I finally broke the writer's block I had regarding this. I feel like I had something else to use, but this works too. **

**So a question I am never asked is "Say Mike, do you put yourself into your stories?" And the answer would be (if anyone ever did ask it), "Not really." However, I think it's impossible to not put at least a bit of yourself into each of your characters.**

**In this story (or even this series), you would think that the character I put the most of myself into would be Michael, given that we share a name. However, I think I am more like Harold. We are both extremely low-level lackeys who don't really want to cause any trouble. We want to do our jobs - and do them well - but not really be noticed. We both tolerate actions we disagree with as long as they don't really involve us, though in Harold's case it's because he feels it's not his place to judge them, while for me it's largely apathy.**

**I wouldn't say I tend to be as informal with superiors as Harold is, but a large part of how he acts toward Michael is because of Michael's own personality.**


	10. Action comedy romance drama!

**A.N.: Admittedly, one way in which I am not like Harold is that I am not a smoker. Harold smoking isn't because I think it looks cool _per se_, but it's kind of a symbol of "I don't give a shit." Some people think that "I don't give a shit" is equal to "cool" and maybe it is, but I don't know. I don't give a shit.**

* * *

Justin fired a blast of golden energy from his wand, hitting the Ether Bunny, drawing its attention in much the same way that Mike had earlier with his firearm. It was easy to effect this, because the Ether Bunny was already looking for the group.

"You wanna dance with me, huh boy?" Justin said, sounding strangely like the stereotype of a southern good old boy. "Come and get it!"

Justin took off, running toward the Ether Bunny, but also in attempt to pass it the other way. He wanted to lead it away from his baby sister/lover. He knew that it was a gambit - the Ether Bunny could easily pick him up with his large claws, and then toss him into his gaping maw.

"I have to admit," Harper said to Harold as she ran. "I'm not sure what I can do here."

Harold considered that. "Mike!" he cried. "I'm going to take the Sleepwalker to safety!"

"A'ight," Mike said, running on ahead with Jackal, both of them following Justin.

Harold led Harper away. They ran into a coffee shop, which had mostly been abandoned due to the large monstrosity that was outside. The only one left was the bored cashier. He glanced up at Harper and Harold, and then back down. Harold was still at the lower frequency where normal humans could see him, mostly for Harper's sake. He motioned for Harper to take a seat and went and ordered coffee.

"This is weird," Harper said when Harold returned with the drinks. "A giant bunny-monster is raging outside and I'm having coffee with an angel."

"I've seen weirder," Harold said, sipping his coffee nonchalantly.

"I'd imagine." Harper looked at Harold closely. "You know, you're kinda cute for an angel." She blushed a deep crimson. "I mean, I realize that being an angel, you can't exactly date, but..."

Harold grinned. "Yeah. It's appreciated, though. I mean, angels do tend to be pretty...well, besides the weird-looking ones."

"Isn't it sad, missing out on the love and romance aspect of life?"

"Nah. I mean, it's way different to be an angel than a person. As an angel, it's literally not a concern of yours at all. No more than, say, going to college is a concern of squirrels. Not a perfect analogy, but nothing is."

"I have to admit, I'm torn about Justin dating Alex. I mean, not just the incest. Like I said, I had a pretty big crush on Justin. But if I do love him, shouldn't I want what's best for him? Shouldn't I want him to be happy, no matter the cost? Moreover, I love Alex too - like a sister, I mean - and shouldn't I want her to be happy? And I'm even dating Zeke, but I still feel jealous. And then I feel terrible for feeling jealous because it feels like I'm betraying Justin, Alex, and Zeke by doing so."

"Eh, don't feel bad about feeling jealous. It's natural, really. You're human, after all. You know what humans without emotions are? Sociopaths. I mean, some of them have feelings like jealousy and whatnot, but the truly emotionless are terrifying."

"I still don't feel closure with Justin, either. I dunno, I feel like I want him to know how much I love him and how much he means to me, but that would be super awkward, and wouldn't feel right to me to do that to Alex. But like I said, without that, I don't have the closure and I feel like I won't get it any other way. At least I'm not in love with someone who doesn't know me. Haha, imagine if I were in love with a celebrity. I can't think of a single way that I'd be able to tell them that without it coming across as creepy and stalkerish. Thankfully I'm not a guy and older than the object of my affection...that'd be far worse."

"Yeah, if you were in that position, I might say you'd need professional help," Harold said. "But anyway, the funny thing about closure is that you feel like things aren't certain, right? It's like the old saying, 'all's well that ends.'"

"All's well that ends well, you mean?" Harper asked.

"You're lucky if it can end well. Most of the time it's enough that it ends," Harold said. "The problem is though, nothing really ends."

"Huh?"

"The universe is cyclic, and your life is forever. True, there is change and an evolution to the universe, but they are just stages, and the last stage is infinite."

"That sounds hard to deal with," Harper admitted.

"By the time you have to, you will be prepared for it," Harold assured her. "In fact, it can't happen until you are."

"Oh. How's that help me now?"

"I didn't say it would."

"Oh. So I'll never get closure?"

"Well maybe. You would be surprised at how your feelings can change. Sometimes gradually, without you noticing it. Sometimes abruptly, and for no apparent reason."

"Being human sucks."

"Yeah, it kinda does," Harold agreed.

"So, it's weird - I thought we left our bodies at Michael's office, but here we are," Harper said, changing the subject.

"Hmm? Oh, right," Harold said. "No, this isn't your real body. It's a physical manifestation of an Astral Body. Hell, you could get 'killed' right now and you'd just wake up in the office. And before you ask, no, it wouldn't actually kill you because of the cutting of the silver cord."

"That would explain why Justin's being so reckless."

"I'm not sure he's actually aware of that, at the moment. I mean, I know he would be if he stopped to think about it because he did cast the spell to manifest his Astral Body. But he's probably too worried about Alex to think of that at the moment."

"Wow, that's dedication."

"Yeah. Also it'd be hilarious if he thought he was going to die for her, and then didn't."

"What! Hilarious?" Harper cried, surprised that an angel would suggest such a thing.

"Well yeah, in a certain way."

"I guess. Still kinda weird."

"Yeah, somewhat fucked up I suppose," Harold said.


	11. Corner of First and Armistad

**A.N.: It's strange, and I suppose somewhat self-serving, that I'm still writing this, because I don't think anyone is actually reading it at this point. It is like I am talking to myself. I've always said though, talking to yourself is the only way to talk to someone at exactly your level of intellect.**

**OK OK...maybe some people are reading it, but still! It's very quiet in here.**

**Anyway, in this chapter Alex and Justin meet God. Whoops, spoiler. I do not know what God sounds like, but I tend to imagine it's much like Morgan Freeman.**

* * *

Alex had finished her work in record time, thanks to a bit of magical assistance. Indeed, the painting itself was magical, as it showed the Easter Bunny, but also the Ether Bunny at the same time. Alex hoped to get people to equate the two, in order to grant the Ether Bunny even more power.

The painting was large, bright, and enthralling. Despite the fact that many people had been running from the Ether Bunny, they now stopped to stare at it. Unfortunately, Alex didn't know if it was working, and wouldn't until she caught up with her brother, Harper, and the celestials. She climbed down the billboard and started to head off in the direction that Justin had gone.

"Justin," she muttered to herself. "If you got your damn fool self killed, I'm going to kill you."

When she did finally get in sight of the Ether Bunny, she saw that Justin was indeed alive, but by the looks of things, he wasn't going to be for long. The Ether Bunny had indeed caught him up and was holding him aloft. Mike and Jackal were trying to pull Justin away from the Ether Bunny, both of them flying at around the Ether Bunny's shoulder height.

"Justin!" Alex cried in terror. Before she could react further though, the Ether Bunny began to quickly increase in size, and started to glow. Clearly Alex's plan to get people to think about the Easter Bunny worked - hopefully then, it would actually cause him to burn out instead of just making him massively more powerful.

It looked like such might be the case, fortunately, as the Ether Bunny began to look frightened. He let go of Justin, who began to fall toward the earth. Alex quickly shot a bolt of energy out of her wand, hitting Justin. His descent began to slow, and he reached the ground harmlessly, running toward Alex as soon as he did.

Meanwhile, the Ether Bunny was beginning to retreat, though Alex wasn't sure where to. Jackal held up his measuring device.

"I think it might be working!" he cried. Suddenly the Ether Bunny swelled up greatly, and then burst. There was a large and bright explosion, and Alex, Justin, Jackal and Mike all dropped prone. The light and sound blinded and deafened Alex, but she sat up, blinking, trying to regain her sight. When she did, she still couldn't hear, but she saw the Ether Bunny, this time much smaller-looking, about man-sized, being tackled by Mike. He slapped a pair of etheric handcuffs on the Ether Bunny, who looked soundly defeated.

"Are you OK?" Alex heard Justin say from next to her, muffled. She rubbed her ears a bit - her hearing was coming back. In response, she just hugged him, burying her head in his chest.

Mike disappeared with the Ether Bunny in a flash of light. Meanwhile, Harold and Harper were coming out of the coffee shop and making their way over to Justin and Alex.

"What's going to happen, now that everyone saw that?" Justin asked Harold.

"I dunno," Harold said, shrugging. "My best bet is that it wouldn't be good for people to remember, so they probably won't."

"Really? Weird."

"Well, you know how easy it is to make a mortal disbelieve magic. Think about how many times it should have been extremely apparent and they still have no clue."

"Ah yeah, that's a good point."

Just then, there was another flash of light in front of the group, and Mike and someone else whom Alex didn't recognize were there. Justin however, using his advanced knowledge of angelology, pieced together the various clues surrounding the being. This angel was clearly much more formal, and wore the symbols of his office, so it wasn't difficult for Justin to pinpoint this as the Archangel Gabriel.

"Lord Gabriel," Harold said, bowing deeply. Jackal did the same. Just to be on the safe side, so did Justin, Harper, and even Alex, albeit reluctantly on her part.

"Well done," Gabriel said, smiling brightly. "I want you all to know that I've put in a recommendation for commendation of Lord Michael."

"Bah, what do I need another medal for?"

"Wait, what's going on?" Justin said. In all his study of angelology, he'd heard nothing like this.

"May I explain?" Mike asked Gabriel. Gabriel nodded sagely.

"Archangels don't really have any ability to 'advance' in the angelic hierarchy, because we're too well-known by humans, and it's extremely important that we remain a consistent force for them. Not that there's really that much advancement in general, though it gets confusing at higher levels. Anyway, the point is that Archangels get awarded medals for various tasks, instead of advancing. They don't really get us anything, they're just a recognition of our service. We don't really need or expect them, we're just happy to serve."

"Yeah, you're pretty close to the fifty mark though," Harold pointed out to Michael. "That's a milestone."

"You have almost fifty medals?" Justin asked.

Gabriel chuckled. "He has almost fifty thousand medals. Remember, we've been around since the dawn of time. Anyway, I have also gotten you an audience with God, Justin and Alex."

This sounded rather nerve-wracking to Justin. Being in the singular presence of God Almighty, Lord of the Universe, was an utterly terrifying prospect.

"When is that?" he asked.

"Right now, come on. You two, too, Jackal and Lord Michael," Gabriel said. He led the small group down the street At an intersection, he stopped. There was nothing there but a trashcan with an ashtray and a small bush planted by the municipality.

As Justin had expected, the bush spontaneously burst into flames. Gabriel, Mike, and even Jackal knelt to the ground. Justin and Alex did the same.

"Well done, good and faithful servants," the voice of God said from the bush. "I have good news for you. In your next lives, I am going to allow you two to be together."

Alex wanted to cry out in frustration. Realizing that to God, being omniscient, this would be the same as doing so, she decided not to hold back.

"But that's the same thing that Harold and Mike offered us with the Next Lives program!" she said.

"Not quite. Michael and Harold were following the law, and quite well, and I commend them for that. However, I did not say I was going to split you two up in this life."

"Really?" Alex said, hopefully. "What's the catch?"

"There's no catch," God replied. "You two were both slated for reincarnation as it was."

"Wait, what?" Justin said. "I thought we weren't too bad! I mean OK, maybe I can understand Alex not being holy enough for heaven yet -"

"Hey!" Alex interjected.

"You did kill Stevie," Justin pointed out.

"But she was fighting the Wizard Council!"

"Yes, an entity that itself is not necessarily just," God pointed out. "Stevie was, at best, morally ambiguous."

"And she didn't fight against the Council in the right way," Alex said.

"Correct. But neither was killing her necessary."

"What about me, then?" Justin asked.

"Justin, you are filled to the brim with hubris," God said. "It's something you're going to have to work on, in this life and the next."

"But I'll get to be with Alex in both of them?" he asked.

"Yes. It is not going to be easy, especially this life. You are going to face hardships from every angle, both external and internal. But if you can overcome that adversity, you deserve to be together."

"Is it going to work out?" Alex said.

"That would spoil the surprise," God said in a rather bemused tone.

"I think it will," Justin said. "After all, it's you and I."


End file.
